Phoenix rising

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I stripped off my kurta pajama and tossed it into the fire. It had once been my favorite, a knee-length white cotton tunic with wide Bombay style pants. My father-in-law had given it to me the year that N and I spent 2 months traveling around India for our honeymoon. That was 13 years ago. Standing in nothing but my boxers, a pair of dusty sneakers, a blue fur vest, and yellow goggles, I watched it burst into flames on the smoldering ashes of the Temple of Forgiveness. It was 3:00 Monday morning (Labor Day in the U.S.), the last day of Burning Man. I rode my bicycle back to my camp, laughing and singing the whole way. I've never felt more free.

The Tuesday we* arrived in Black Rock City (the temporary city of more than 40,000 residents that springs up annually in the Nevada desert at the end of August) there had been a full lunar eclipse early in the morning. If that wasn't enough to alert me that this would be an epic week, the battery in my watch stopped the minute we drove into the city. I'm not making this up. This bizarre coincidence got me wondering if that old naked guy doing yoga every morning (yes, ew!) in Center Camp was Rod Serling's ghost?

Thursday and Friday, we endured 3-hour long white out dust storms of biblical proportions, the worst ones any Burners could remember. The first one ripped our massive shade structure to shreds after we spent most of the morning building it. We spent a couple more hours rebuilding it the next day, only to watch the second storm destroy it again. Desert Wind Gods 2, Us 0. We unanimously decided "Fuck it. Let's just focus on having fun." After that, there were no more storms. Instead, we were treated that afternoon to a light rain and a brilliant double rainbow over the desert while we drank and danced at the Deep End Saloon. I like to think that nature was teaching us a lesson in relinquishing control and letting go.

Letting go. That was my personal goal for the week. Believe me people, I'm proud to report that I succeeded beyond my wildest expectations on that count. By the end of the week I had blisters on most toes from dancing til dawn every night. The music venues were out of control. My favorite was a set of massive geodesic domes called Root Society where DJs spun ear splitting techno** and acrobats struck poses suspended on ribbons from the ceiling (turn up your speaker volume and click here to taste the madness on YouTube). I was lucky if I slept 3 hours a night, yet I can't recall a time when I've felt more energetic or had more fun. Or maybe I was just high from sleep deprivation, etc.

I spent much of each day at the Temple of Forgiveness making peace with all the changes in my life these past 3 months. The artists that designed the temple, David Best and Tim Dawson, intended that their temple be "a vehicle for remembrances and blessings, promises and forgiveness." I joined others by adding my own words and thoughts, pictures and notes to the beautiful structure's filigreed wooden walls. Admittedly, I might have taken up more than my fair share of real estate on those walls. I had lots to say, a lot to let go of.

In case you haven't guessed yet, N and I have decided to separate and get a divorce. I could go into the reasons, but since this website is my soap box you would get to hear only one side of the story and that wouldn't be fair to N. Let's just say that at this point the decision is mutual and the separation amicable.

On the last night of Burning Man (how can it be possible that that was just 3 days ago?), I watched the Temple burn and felt a huge release. I shared many happy years with N and I don't regret a moment. But I'm ready to move on. No, it's more than that. I'm fucking excited to discover whatever the future holds for me. My phoenix rose from the ashes of that desert temple, and I can't wait to live the rest of my life filled with the inner strength, passion, and joy that I have recently rediscovered.

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting."

— e.e. cummings

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* I went with Fatemeh and two of her friends.

** Judging by the number of people who kept asking me if I was him, apparently I look kinda like some Canadian DJ named Richie Hawtin (aka Plastikman) who helped start techno in the early 90's in Detroit. Aside from this picture (I recently shaved my head), I don't see it.

Burning Man

Comments

[Jim]

Sounds like an awesome journey!! Welcome back to life and the web!!

[shauna]

Brett,

You made me cry. I didn't think any account of Burning Man could ever do that to me.

Welcome back. No, this is a new self you are describing. Welcome to the world.

[Anita]

One of my other friends, who is also a chef and restaurant owner, is going through a (ahem) transition stunningly similar to your own. We saw her this weekend for the first time since she shared her news with us, and although it was terrible to see her so raw, it was also exciting to see her glowing with possibilities in the cracks between her anger and sadness.

I'm still sad for what you've gone through, but I can't wait to see how you're coming back.

[Fatemeh]

dude, you look so much like Richie that you're now in thom's phone under Brett "PlastikMan".

Don't go by the photos on his site; we all know him as a shaved head dude. the hair is a new thing.

i know the week didn't go quite as planned, but i think that was a huge learning experience for all of us.

i'll be linking to some youtube videos and my flickr set soon.

[rachel]

So glad you went, sounded like the perfect timing! And I was dancing at the Deep End the same afternoon, can't believe I didn't see you amongst the masses!

[brett]

thanks, jim. it's good to be back.

ditto, shauna. i'm glad i touched your heart. it was a moving, cathartic piece to write.

anita, raw is good. check out the pema chodron quote from a few days ago. no reason to feel sad for me.

fatemeh, funny thing is back in the late 80's i briefly had the same haircut that richie has now. my hair was even that blonde.

rachel, i can't wrap my mind around the fact that you were there that day? did you tell me you were going and i forgot?? i would've loved to chill with you on the playa. next year.... (yes, i'm gonna figure out a way to go, believe me).

[radish]

What a great piece -- i've always wanted to do this. A SF friend of mine and her husband go every year and a few years ago they build a steel life size chess set, complete with crazy illumination... They were getting sheet metal delivered to their garage in Mission and were soldering/welding this stuff themselves... Welcome back!!

[Edward Jay]

Welcome back! Your trip sounds cathartic and amazing. I look forward to celebrating a new you. I have a feeling that you have a lot of great stories to write without the letter N.

[Tea]

Yay! I am so happy for you. It sounds as if you've found your way to a good place.

This piece is so beautiful--thank you for sharing it with us.

[AnitaD]

Wowee, Brett! Tears came to my eyes, too, as I continue to witness your rising from the ashes. Welcome back and I look forward to hearing about your new adventures!

[barbara]

Ive seen this event on a TV programme recently. Glad you went and glad to see you back.

[judith]

Beautifully written, and thanks for posting the video. I was moved, even in absentia, by the obvious and profound release taking place there. Welcome back in all ways.

[shuna fish lydon]

I have been excited for you for a while now, but this piece? ZOW. You remind me that we can choose to have the first day of the rest of our lives over and over again.

I look forward to seeing you and recognizing that glow, aloud.

[Anita]

Brett,
I've missed you and your blog! Thank you for sharing part of your life in such a beautiful and touching piece...I'm very moved by its poetry and lyricism.

Best wishes for the next steps of your journey - I'm looking forward to reading about them (or seeing them in person!:))

[Jennifer Jeffrey]

When do we get to see a picture of your new 'do?

[matt]

I think being free and releasing everything within you has got to be one of the most liberating things ever. I'm so glad you did this and it touches me more than I can say to know you are well.

[Lisa D. Walker]

what can i say? i cry with joy and pain at your new loss and gain. i remember the breaking of the heart and thinking/feeling that another fresh one was emerging all along. a true birth. the pain i would never trade. and let me tell you-- it is always better on the side where we are. we have no rules. we have no ties. we have our truth. we have only our best selves in a world we wake up to and create everyday. i am so happy for you!

[Lisa D. Walker]

and by the way? i am SO going with you next year!

[jane]

your post moved me to tears,

[Judy]

The heart breaks and is stronger in the mending. The broken parts make it easier to let love in again. Burn, baby, burn.

[sam]

you are making me cry at work. But it's worth it to hear this

[Emilie]

Holy crap! You're back! Where the heck have I been?

[gwinn]

I have that same e.e. cummings quote on a stickie on my (computer) desktop. it's a great mantra. i love that you know it too!

[Catherine]

Hey Brett,

It was great to meet you at Sam's. I'm going through the same transition myself. I'm a tad late commenting, but nothing's worth holding back being who you really are. Onward!